Inappropriate Comments, Questions and Jokes
Inappropriate comments, jokes, or questions may seem harmless, but they serve to reinforce harmful stereotypes and are often a sign of career-impacting discrimination to come.
When you're the target of an inappropriate comment, question, or joke at work, it's common to brush it off - especially if no one else seems to notice or care. Speaking up can feel like more trouble than it's worth and you might worry about being labeled as overly sensitive or disruptive.
But here’s the risk: if you ignore these early signs of bias, it becomes much harder to protect yourself later if the discrimination escalates into a denied promotion, retaliation, or termination.
In this post, we’ll walk through common red flags and what to document in each case, including:
Inappropriate Comments
Inappropriate Questions
Inappropriate Jokes
What To Do If This Is Happening To You
Inappropriate Comments
Inappropriate comments may perpetuate assumptions and stereotypes about what a person is capable of. These comments may be intentionally hostile or a consequence of a person’s unconscious bias.
What Inappropriate Comments Look Like
Let's say you have an “invisible disability” - a medical condition that significantly impacts your daily life, but is not easily visible to everyone around you - when you tell your boss they respond 'you don’t look disabled' or 'you don’t look sick.'
On the surface these comments don’t sound that bad, but they reveal a bias that individuals with a disability will look or behave a specific way even when that's not necessarily true or may not be true for the disability you have. And unfortunately whether or not it’s true, it can lead to your boss treating you differently.
As another example, comments related to a female being the 'smartest woman on the team' may indicate your boss evaluates men and women on separate scales. This may be a bias they’re aware of or it may be an unconscious bias.
How to Protect Yourself and Your Career
Regardless of what the inappropriate comment was or what it related to, it's uncommon for disciplinary action to result from a single biased remark. At most, your manager might receive a warning and if it continues, you may eventually be allowed to request a transfer. But escalating early can also put you at risk of retaliation.
So unless the comment is openly hostile or threatening, it may not be worth taking formal action yet. Instead, quietly document what happened in case the situation escalates:
What was said
When and where it happened
Who else heard or received it
If the comment was made in writing, take a screenshot or forward it to your personal email. Written evidence is ideal - especially if your manager later denies it ever happened.
In most cases, comments like these serve as early indicators of bias, but for now you're simply collecting evidence in case that bias later affects your career.
What If The Comments Are Intentional Harassment?
So far, we’ve focused on inappropriate comments that are biased or unprofessional, but not openly hostile. Unfortunately, some workplace environments cross that line.
If you’re being verbally attacked or subjected to hateful, demeaning, or aggressive comments that create a hostile environment, you should escalate even if the only harm so far is emotional or psychological. Harassment alone is enough to act.
That said, be aware that without evidence, many companies won’t take action. Do your best to capture what’s happening in writing. If the comments aren’t documented, consider sending an email to your boss that expresses concern and references what was said. This not only creates a paper trail, but it also makes it harder for your boss to deny it happened.
Most workplaces have zero-tolerance policies for hostile behavior. But in practice, they only act if you can prove it happened.
Inappropriate Questions: Bias Disguised As Concern
Inappropriate questions often reveal a person’s bias, but in a way that’s disguised as casual interest or concern. The person asking may not see the question as offensive, because it’s framed as curiosity, but the way it’s asked often reflects underlying assumptions or stereotypes.
What Inappropriate Comments Look Like
Like comments, these questions themselves may not be enough to act, but they're worth tracking if you sense bias or discrimination in how they are worded. For example, let's say you're a mother to be and just before you go on maternity leave your boss asks you:
'Are you planning to return after maternity leave?'
'Are you worried that the baby will be a distraction when you return?'
'Will you be able to keep up with your work assignments?'
These questions, especially when asked repeatedly in different ways indicate that your boss believes that your becoming a mother will impact your ability to deliver regardless of the reassurances you respond with.
Now as a new mother to be you likely have a lot on your mind, so you try not to worry too much about the questions even as you also notice your workload getting lighter. Until one month before your maternity leave you get the news - your role is being eliminated, effective immediately.
It is only at this point that you look back and recognize the inappropriate questions and reduced workload were a sign of bias she should have taken seriously.
How to Protect Yourself and Your Career
There's a good chance that these inappropriate questions will be asked as a concerned boss to their employee during a 1:1. However, that doesn't mean you can't follow-up with your own email after the conversation, framing it as a reassurance that addresses:
The concerns they asked about
Your commitment to maintain the same quality of work
This may seem minor, but even if your boss chooses not to respond, the email being sent to them is a stronger confirmation that this conversation happened than your word alone.
At this point you don't know if your boss is just showing misguided empathy or if this will lead to something more, but having the email means you'll have additional evidence outside of the already problematic timeline which they'll justify as shifting business needs.
Inappropriate Jokes: Humor At Someone Else's Expense
Let's say you're the oldest member (in terms of age) on the team when a new, young director is hired. You notice almost immediately that this director bonds with the younger individuals and is standoffish with you, but you try not to give it too much thought.
But then the new director begins to make jokes directly targeted at you. These jokes include off-hand comments on team calls, 1:1's and during off-sites including:
‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks’
‘It must be the Alzheimer's kicking in’
‘When are you retiring? You’ve been here forever!’
The jokes make you uncomfortable, but you worry if you say something your director will just accuse you of being overly emotional or too sensitive. Instead you tell yourself your work speaks for itself and no one on the team is actually taking the jokes seriously.
But months later you're put on a performance improvement plan citing your inability to deliver even though you’re certain your work output hasn’t changed. When you tell your boss this, they claims it’s irrelevant, because you’re not keeping up with the others on the team. You’re not certain that’s accurate, especially given that this is the first you’re hearing that there was even a concern about your work output.
How to Protect Yourself and Your Career
Like inappropriate comments sometimes the best path is to simply take note of the potential bias and keep track of:
What inappropriate joke was said
When and where it was said
Who else heard or received it
If the joke itself was in writing then take a screenshot or forward it to yourself - just in case it becomes an issue later. For instance, in the example above, the timeline of the jokes made along with the work output of both you and your peers may be enough to keep you from being terminated.
What to do if this is happening to you?
It can seem overwhelming to document each inappropriate comment, question or joke that is made, but as we’ve outlined in this post, the early minor incidents and pattern of escalating bias are key to presenting a clear picture of discrimination. Since no one will build this timeline for you, taking action and protecting your career will require you to capture each incident.
It is possible that the inappropriate statement was an isolated incident and never comes up again, but if it’s continuous, you need to inform the individuals and/or your boss that the behavior makes you uncomfortable. When you do raise your concerns, take note of the reactions you get. If the reaction is defensive or dismissive, it is likely this behavior will continue and you should make a decision about next steps accordingly. At the very least, you should capture your memories of each incident including - date, what was said and who witnessed it.
Want additional support with protecting your career? Visit JustiProof’s website
See the other posts in this series:
Series Intro: Is This Workplace Discrimination
Inappropriate Comments, Jokes and Questions (This Post)